It's hard lately to find the gumption to stick to a single project. I've halted updates on my Youtube channel in a spiteful petty decision that I refuse to go against, even as the pride in my work comes back. I've just been so affected by what's happened this last winter, and it's hard to admit but it's consuming me.

And I think I finally started to stop letting it. A recent trip to the doctors ripped away all of my ability to choose, and I can see that I'm losing more and more of my power to choose what's best for me. And that's when I realized I could choose to let go of what those monsters did to me. I can choose to stop letting it hurt me. Like my mom can.

I'm half of her, aren't I? If she can walk 4 months on a torn ACL getting a second job I'm pretty sure I can handle letting go of this hatred and shame burning into my skull. In fact, I think I've found a new purpose for the trauma, as fucked as that sounds. I don't need to feel shame or sadness, I just need to think about how they're laughing right now.

Her, the skank, whipping her hair back and laughing about how dead my Youtube is. How silent my Twitter and Deviantart are. Him, the coward, watching his wife get bent because she fell out of love with him but not his wallet, convincing him that she needs two boyfriends, sitting there thinking about how he tried to get me to off myself. And him, the predator, the monster, the r-pist, bending the skank over and laughing about how I cowered under him, too drunk and high to see straight, thinking about how he got me to run and hide.

Then they're gonna see my first post, a vine comp. With full color animation. Then a week later, another. And another. They're all three gonna see me, see what I've done, what I can do, what I'm DOING.

And they're gonna see that they didn't stop me.

That they didn't kill me.

That they can never hurt me again.

And that's what I can do with it. So you know what, I think that's what I'll do.

~ Spyder